Heads or Tails – Wonder or Wander

My buddy skittles has this wonderful tuesday “meme” called Heads or Tails, are you doing it? You should. It’s fun, thought provoking, and sometimes VERY Therapeutic!

This week our theme is “wonder or wander”. I’m going with wonder, and you’ll see why…as my mind is so fully engrossed in a particular train of thought at this time, there is no other option.

I WONDER what it would be like not to have a phobia or panic. I don’t mean “oh no, I’m running late for a meeting” kind of stressful panic, I mean the kind that is completely debilitating, where you are unable to make any sort of rational thought or movement, the kind where the mind tells you it would be so much easier for the world to end NOW than to have to deal with this….whatever.

When DD was small, I had a severe case of Panic and Anxiety, which is what led me to WANDER down the road to natural health. It made such a difference in my life, and I used to WONDER why more people didn’t choose alternative methods. I have not (Thank God) suffered from this condition for many years…at least not on that level, due to the change in my outlook and methodology. And yet, there are still those moments.

This morning, well it was one of those moments. Picture it. It’s 4:30 am. (yes, 4:30) and I’m working happily away in photoshop, when I hear something. I immediately think “what is Jake doing now??” I go upstairs to check, as the noise is odd, and jake is passed out with DS in bed. If not jake, bodhi? no, bod asleep with DD. Coming back downstairs WONDERING what the…I heard it again. coming from the kitchen. If you read me with any regularity, you KNOW WHAT IS IN MY KITCHEN. I have stated many times before that I am terrified of mice. Now, I don’t mean like June Cleaver in High heels and apron with her fingers over her lips gasping ooh! a mouse! I mean complete and utter degradation of the human spirit. I cannot think, move or breathe. When the bodily functions DO return, it is like an atomic bomb went off. I cannot control my shaking, breathing, want to scream and can’t. Unconsciously I develop a “safe zone” which this morning was my computer chair. Feet CANNOT touch the floor, all lights must be on and NOTHING can be out of view, any movement (even a flashing light through the window from a passing car causes the heart to race, breathing to stop, tears to flow, since my mind has convinced me that it is not a mouse, but a giant mutant killer rat that will be emerging from the kitchen with his cohorts to attack and mutilate me at any moment (think “ben”). I could not leave the chair. It took almost 2 hours before I could get up again…and then it was a mad dash for the stairs to hit the shower. Now, you will ask yourself, I WONDER if she realizes that they are not just in the kitchen? Yes, yes I do, but I can’t actually accept that as fact, or I will have to sleep in my car.

I know that for some people, this seems so ridiculous, trivial in fact.  People make fun of me…hell, my kids make fun of me.  I’m sure I look pretty funny dancing on the couch screaming insanely clutching my head because there could be/might be/are (let’s be honest)  mouse/mice in my house.  It is a completely irrational fear.  I understand that, and all the other crap that people say…they’re more scared of me than I am of them…blah blah blah.  Bullshit.  If they were more afraid of me than I am of them, they would have explosive heart attacks and die on the spot hearing my footsteps on the stairs.  They do not.  So there.  For people who do not suffer from this type of panic/phobia, there is no way for them to understand that even though to YOU it may seem irrational, and I may even believe that myself, it doesn’t change what happens physically, chemically and emotionally in the body when faced with these fears.

When I was seeing clients in VA for hypnotherapy, I had several people who wanted to experience it to try and rid themselves of phobias, or irrational fears. I have been asked why I have not tried this. Alas, I have. Unfortunately, the MOMENT that the therapist began to say mouse…got as far as mou maybe, I flipped out. Session over. No thank you. And I am a very successful hypnotherapy candidate. Not for this, it is too deeply ingrained in my system I suppose.

Still, I WONDER what it would be like to enter a pet store and not hyperventilate when nearing that section. To be able to watch a commercial with a mouse on it and not burst into fits of shaking and near tears. To be able to enter my kitchen with out terror causing me to stand…toes on the edge of the carpet…unable to breathe….shaking uncontrollably, throwing random items onto the kitchen floor to make noise to scare them away. I WONDER what it would be like to be able to sleep at night again…not worried that they will walk on me or bite me in my sleep.

Ugh. Ok. I’m off to wander the net in search of something to occupy my mind…since I assure you I won’t be leaving this chair today.



Filed under Heads or Tails

8 responses to “Heads or Tails – Wonder or Wander

  1. You know I know allll about panic attacks and their debilitating effect. And it is truly hard to explain them to someone who has not experienced them.

    Mice. UGH! I grew up in Florida and never really had any experiences with them. Down there we had icky roaches. So.. I move to Michigan.. and discover mice.

    The first time I ever saw one in my home I think I got from my kitchen to my bedroom with my feet maybe only touching the floor three times. I called my husband at work (from the safety of my bed) and told him we had to move. NOW. I didn’t think I’d ever get off that bed.

    Do you have a cat?

  2. You do very good here at putting into words what the panic and anxiety is like. I do hope you will get past your phobia some day, but I also realize how difficult this is – because I also have phobias that I still haven’t overcome.

  3. Phobias are horrid. I’m not fond of mice, but they don’t scare me. Rats, however, do. My cat brought a large live one in through the cat flap once, and I had utter hysterics. I started running through the house screaming, and the damn rat started running after me, screaming. God knows why! I think he may have stolen someone’s pet. I had to call pest control in the middle of the night, and I had to pass the rat to let them in. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. As I opened the door to the pest control guy, the rat ran out and off down the path. He must have thought I was insane, because I was a gibbering, blubbering wreck by the time he got there. I immediately sealed up the cat flap, but even so, I was paranoid for weeks later, thinking there were other rats in the house, that I hadn’t noticed. Luckily, there weren’t, but I wouldn’t sit with my feet on the floor, and even had to check in and under my bed at night, as well as between the bed and wall, just to make sure there was nothing lurking.

  4. I really love your story. I’m shaking in my boot right next to you 🙂

  5. Jen

    I have a horrible phobia of Spiders! I have nightmares/anxiety attacks, you name it! It’s not any fun! Good post!

  6. I have that kind of fear, but it’s with live fish. Snorkeling gives me panic attacks, I just can’t do it. Figured this out on my honeymoon.

  7. I’m not afraid of mice, but i have the same reaction as you to spiders.

    Show them on tv and I won’t sleep that night.

    Ugh…. I’l guess I won’t have a happy night tonight. LOL!

    There are therapies… but it’s still hard work on your part.


    You can find my heads or tails ::here::

    Have a wonderful day!

  8. You have a talent for explaining. Nicely done – I, too, dislike mice and most other things that don’t talk.

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