My buddy skittles has this wonderful tuesday “meme” called Heads or Tails, are you doing it? You should. It’s fun, thought provoking, and sometimes VERY Therapeutic!
This week our theme is “wonder or wander”. I’m going with wonder, and you’ll see why…as my mind is so fully engrossed in a particular train of thought at this time, there is no other option.
I WONDER what it would be like not to have a phobia or panic. I don’t mean “oh no, I’m running late for a meeting” kind of stressful panic, I mean the kind that is completely debilitating, where you are unable to make any sort of rational thought or movement, the kind where the mind tells you it would be so much easier for the world to end NOW than to have to deal with this….whatever.
When DD was small, I had a severe case of Panic and Anxiety, which is what led me to WANDER down the road to natural health. It made such a difference in my life, and I used to WONDER why more people didn’t choose alternative methods. I have not (Thank God) suffered from this condition for many years…at least not on that level, due to the change in my outlook and methodology. And yet, there are still those moments.
This morning, well it was one of those moments. Picture it. It’s 4:30 am. (yes, 4:30) and I’m working happily away in photoshop, when I hear something. I immediately think “what is Jake doing now??” I go upstairs to check, as the noise is odd, and jake is passed out with DS in bed. If not jake, bodhi? no, bod asleep with DD. Coming back downstairs WONDERING what the…I heard it again. coming from the kitchen. If you read me with any regularity, you KNOW WHAT IS IN MY KITCHEN. I have stated many times before that I am terrified of mice. Now, I don’t mean like June Cleaver in High heels and apron with her fingers over her lips gasping ooh! a mouse! I mean complete and utter degradation of the human spirit. I cannot think, move or breathe. When the bodily functions DO return, it is like an atomic bomb went off. I cannot control my shaking, breathing, want to scream and can’t. Unconsciously I develop a “safe zone” which this morning was my computer chair. Feet CANNOT touch the floor, all lights must be on and NOTHING can be out of view, any movement (even a flashing light through the window from a passing car causes the heart to race, breathing to stop, tears to flow, since my mind has convinced me that it is not a mouse, but a giant mutant killer rat that will be emerging from the kitchen with his cohorts to attack and mutilate me at any moment (think “ben”). I could not leave the chair. It took almost 2 hours before I could get up again…and then it was a mad dash for the stairs to hit the shower. Now, you will ask yourself, I WONDER if she realizes that they are not just in the kitchen? Yes, yes I do, but I can’t actually accept that as fact, or I will have to sleep in my car.
I know that for some people, this seems so ridiculous, trivial in fact. People make fun of me…hell, my kids make fun of me. I’m sure I look pretty funny dancing on the couch screaming insanely clutching my head because there could be/might be/are (let’s be honest) mouse/mice in my house. It is a completely irrational fear. I understand that, and all the other crap that people say…they’re more scared of me than I am of them…blah blah blah. Bullshit. If they were more afraid of me than I am of them, they would have explosive heart attacks and die on the spot hearing my footsteps on the stairs. They do not. So there. For people who do not suffer from this type of panic/phobia, there is no way for them to understand that even though to YOU it may seem irrational, and I may even believe that myself, it doesn’t change what happens physically, chemically and emotionally in the body when faced with these fears.
When I was seeing clients in VA for hypnotherapy, I had several people who wanted to experience it to try and rid themselves of phobias, or irrational fears. I have been asked why I have not tried this. Alas, I have. Unfortunately, the MOMENT that the therapist began to say mouse…got as far as mou maybe, I flipped out. Session over. No thank you. And I am a very successful hypnotherapy candidate. Not for this, it is too deeply ingrained in my system I suppose.
Still, I WONDER what it would be like to enter a pet store and not hyperventilate when nearing that section. To be able to watch a commercial with a mouse on it and not burst into fits of shaking and near tears. To be able to enter my kitchen with out terror causing me to stand…toes on the edge of the carpet…unable to breathe….shaking uncontrollably, throwing random items onto the kitchen floor to make noise to scare them away. I WONDER what it would be like to be able to sleep at night again…not worried that they will walk on me or bite me in my sleep.
Ugh. Ok. I’m off to wander the net in search of something to occupy my mind…since I assure you I won’t be leaving this chair today.