I’m sure you all are wondering where I have been lately. My posts are certainly less frequent, and certainly not as fun or…informative? maybe…as usual. I am here…I’m just going through some spiritual and emotional upheaval, and trying to get the all the logs to fall into place to build the bridge to the other side of the gorge.
As you know, 2007 was a challenging year for us. A lot of change, upheaval, and it seems that the dust has yet to settle from the crashing down that came early last year. I’m sure it will eventually, it just seems that I am spending an inordinate amount of time sweeping up that dust, and not really getting anywhere. I’m not one for proselytizing, and my personal convictions are NOT for public display, but perhaps by way of explanation on my recent absences..you will grant me a word or two. Hey, it’s my space, I guess I can say whatever I want. Consider that line a warning on the following content.
Yesterday’s photohunt kind of hit home with all that I have been pondering these last few weeks…months….whatever. Important. And there is NOTHING more important to me than my family. Every single thing that I do in my life is for my children. I was just thinking the other day…as moms…do we ever get to use a spoon that isn’t all dented and dinged? Ever get the big muffin out of the pan? No. These are the things that we do….we sacrifice our needs for the needs of our children…our families. For me, it’s not even a conscious thought…I just think that they always deserve the best…and that is what they will get. It may not be much, but it’s what I can do, so I do it. They are my treasure, and deserve to be treated as such.
Matthew says “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” I’ve been pondering that one for a few weeks now. My treasure is my children. Yes, that is where my heart lies. In trying to find gainful employment, everything revolves around them, and their happiness. I will not compromise the safety and happiness of my children by being gone when they need me here. Granted DD doesn’t really need me around anymore, but DS does. So in looking for a job, hours have to match his being in school, no weekends, etc. Believe me, they are few and far between. And when I do find one, it seems that I kind of shoot myself in the foot by telling them upfront that my children and their needs come first. Needless to say, there haven’t been any job offers in a very long time. This of course, puts us in a situation that is tenuous at best.
John 11:22 says But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it to you. So, I’ve been asking. A lot. I’m trying to turn it all over, relinquish control (which is SO hard for me!) and “let go and let God”. But when the bills pile up, it’s tough. I’ve been spending time in contemplation, meditation, and soul searching, trying to find a way to move through the adversity that is facing our family into the light.
I made the decision to give myself the opportunity to succeed as a Photographer. It’s something that I want dearly, not only for personal reasons, but because it would allow me to support my family, to meet their needs and be here when they need me. It’s a win/win situation, if I can make it work. If we can hold on until it happens. I felt that if it were the right decision, I would be given a sign. Being selected as a charitable photographer for Think Pink this week leads me to believe that I am on the right track. Charitable, yes. Is there any financial gain involved? Not directly. However, it’s what I want to do. And if my heart is there, in the giving back, will my treasure not lie there also? And as I tell my kids, we may not have much, but we have each other. We have love, a home, food in our stomachs and our health. There are so many who do not have these things. We may not have money to give and share, but we have ourselves. Give what you can, with the hope that it is enough. I have also applied to 2 other charitable organizations, and hope that I will be accepted by them as well. It is something that I really want, for my heart, for my soul, for my kids. 🙂
I’ve gone on long enough. I just wanted to say “yes, I’m here” and I’m ok…just finding Suzy. I’ll leave you with one more from Matthew as a thought for the week. “But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it to thee.”
Have a good one!