Random Thoughts from an Unsettled Mind

Yes, I’m still here.  I know I haven’t had too much to say lately, but it’s just because it’s all jumbled up in my head, looking for an outlet and not really finding one.  Sleep is elusive…too many late nights up watching my boys win the playoffs no doubt….and the series starts tonight! Yes, america, you know where I will be.  I fully believe that this will 1. be one of the BEST series we’ve seen in a while and b. fully expect it to go 7 games and 3. fully expect my boys to pull it off with grace and aplomb.  Go sox, I’m there in spirit!  I tried to explain my passion for baseball and the Red Sox to someone saturday night…I know not everyone gets it. You see, to me at least, baseball correlates to life.  Each spring, it starts fresh and clean, everyone on the same page so to speak.  Everyone has a chance to be happy, to succeed.  Moving through the dog days of summer is a struggle for everyone…tempers flare, frustration abounds, then there’s the all-star break…like vacation…..then you come back to work, hunker back down and ride out the heat.  Come fall, it’s time to prepare for the winter “nap”, so it can all start over again in the spring.  This year, my spring sucked.  I lost my job, lost a friend, blah blah blah.  My year didn’t start off well.  I struggled through the summer, and now going into the fall. Somewhere in my heart, I think that if the Sox can do it, I can do it.  I need them to win so that my life will get back on track.  I know it sounds a bit loopy, but to me, it’s reality. I cling to those games like a man would cling to a life preserver…they ARE my life preserver.  If they can do it, despite all the hardship, by george, I can do it too.

It’s been a very weird couple of weeks for me.  The job hunt thing is frustrating, and yet, today I start a new job.  No, I didn’t mention it before, just because I was in disbelief I think…it’s a part-time thing, money is less than I need (note NEED not WANT) but at least someone is giving me a chance.  Had another interview…if you can call it that, which I don’t….saturday…and well, it sucked.  I won’t go into great detail, suffice it to say that the job really was perfect for me, but once he heard “yes, you can contact my former employer, however, I don’t know what kind of recommendation she will give” he didn’t even bother to interview me.  Of course, he was um..polite? enough to say “well, LEGALLY (note the emphasis) she can’t say anything bad about you so we’ll give it the old college try”.  Since when does the legality of an issue stop anyone from saying anything about anyone?  puhleeze.  Can you say National Enquirer??????  Hello?!?!?!?!?!?  Spent saturday afternoon crying on the couch feeling like a complete and total loser over someone who isn’t worth it, and feeling slashed to the bone once again by a supposed friend who hurt me by firing me.  moving on. Hey S, are you reading this?  Congratulations…you succeeded in ruining my life.  Is that what your ultimate goal was, to make yourself feel better?  Belittle me and have me crawling around begging for work like an amoeba?  Good job.  gooooooood job. (I’m trying to stop internalizing the anger here)

On a happier note (dripping with sarcasm) apparently I’ve been forgiven.  HA.  A friend of mine ran into another former friend….a gentleman (and baby, I am using THAT term loosely…who informed him that “he had forgiven me for all I had done to him”.  Are you friggin kidding me?????  This guy was my “supervisor?!?!?!?!” when I was at the train, at least in his mind.  He’s got a complete napoleon syndrome, treated me like crap, undermined everything that I did, sat just below my office (where he KNEW I could hear everything) and told the other employees what a bitch I was (his words exactly!) and how I was trying to make him lose his job while he continually did stupid shit that made everyone look at him like the RCA dog.  Management was watching his every move for MONTHS, nothing to do with me at all, and they fired him, and he blames me.  But now, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been forgiven!  God is in his heaven and all is right with the world, pass the black eyed peas.  You must be joking.  Are you reading this?  I know you like to snoop on me, so I can only imagine that you are.  If so, News Flash Mr. S.  I do NOT  need, want, or CARE for your forgiveness.  You snuck under my radar buddy.  I tried to befriend you when no one else would give you the time of day and you hate that.  You need to have a persecution complex in order to maintain your victim status.  Please, take back your program, I don’t have time to star in your psychodrama.  So.  There. 

On another note, I put my phone on vibrate for the interview saturday and have since sat it somewhere…and well….you get the drift here. I know it’s in the house, I just have to wait for the din to die down so that I can hear it buzz.  Grand frustration there I must say. My own fault, yes.  I was angry when I returned home, and this is what anger gets you. 

On a lighter note, I’ve started knitting again.  I guess after 30 years and the last 5 months of total frustration, I needed to do something new.  In the last week and a half, I’ve made DS a new scarf, hat, and a pair of booties for CareWear.  I’m using up stash, which is good, and even made myself a set of needles that were the size I wanted…instead of purchasing.  Very creative in my creativity.  lol.

Am also having that urge for “big change” again.  Rearranged the living room 2 weeks ago and battled the urge for a time, now I’m looking at the back yard.  I think I’ll pull up the blocks that make the extended patio area, plant grass, and use the blocks to create a “walkway” type thing down to the gate.  After my anger management/tree removal in may, I haven’t done much but maintenance on the yard…I think it’s time to overhaul again.  Hey, at least I put my frustration to good use!

Went to the park yesterday, knew that if I didn’t  get out of the  house I would end up choking someone, and shot some photo’s of the geese, ducks and trees.  It was a good time, relaxing, but you always have to come back to reality dontcha?  The best ones are on flickr.

Speaking of reality, I need to jump into it.  There is a shower calling me, then up with DS, off to school, before I start my nifty new job. I really am excited about it….it suits me.  There will be a stop at Joanns today, always fun, for fabric to make his mario costume (yes, I’m running behind on that) so that he will stop being in a panic.  Uh…dude…how long do you really think it will take me to make a pair of pants/overalls and a hat?  hellllloooooo?????  and hopefully will get them at least cut and maybe sewn tonight or at least by tomorrow. 

Tonight I’m watchin the game.  Go sox… I need you to win. 

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Random Thoughts from an Unsettled Mind

  1. me

    cheer up sass, it can only get better from here. sox in six……….me

  2. I’m cheering the Sox on for ya! Hope you had a great day at the book store. ;o) Tammy

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