Dear Hiring Manager,
I am responding, without much hope of hearing from you, to your recent job listing for the lackey Position. I have attached my resume for your amusement and consternation.
You will see that in addition to multiple opportunities to act as a lackey, I have several years of experience in a variety of fields including ass kicking, eating shit, and being worn down. In addition to my extensive office experience, I have strong communication and people skills, and only occasionally drop the “f-bomb” I feel that I could certainly be an asset to your organization.
Should you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me, although I won’t be holding my breath.
I thank you for the opportunity to humiliate myself yet again today, and look forward to hearing from you.
2006-2007 Fool – Local Winery
Duties include, but not limited to, giving up a job that meant everything to me in order to do better for my children to be shafted for no apparent reason other than I am, and I quote “hard working, honest, and a good employee, you just don’t fit”.
Assistant to the General Manager of Passenger Operations – Tourist Railroad
Responsibilities include, but not limited to, working my ass off for 12+ hours a day, more during special events and holiday’s. Catching shit on a daily basis for things that you cannot control, putting out fires (figuratively), soothing frazzled nerves, appeasing the spastic and juggling 40 things at once. One of the best jobs I have ever had.
2000 – 2003 Princess – Natural Health Store
In addition to maintaining a private practice, also was the manager and princess of their retail facility. I also developed their website and was also involved with teaching numerous classes on Natural Health, Aromatherapy, Herbs, Hypnotherapy and Reiki. I was only the princess by default, since we called the owner the Queen.
1998 – 2003 A bunch of natural health stuff that apparently no one cares about anymore.
2000 – 2000 Contributing Columnist to various local publications which just means I am opinionated.
A bunch of natural health degrees that I spent a lot of time and money on and don’t seem to be helping me.