The Resume I’d LOVE to send.

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am responding, without much hope of hearing from you, to your recent job listing for the lackey Position. I have attached my resume for your amusement and consternation.

You will see that in addition to multiple opportunities to act as a lackey, I have several years of experience in a variety of fields including ass kicking, eating shit, and being worn down. In addition to my extensive office experience, I have strong communication and people skills, and only occasionally drop the “f-bomb”  I feel that I could certainly be an asset to your organization.

Should you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me, although I won’t be holding my breath.

I thank you for the opportunity to humiliate myself yet again today, and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Suzy

Suzy

Phone:
Email:

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE:

2006-2007 Fool – Local Winery
Duties include, but not limited to, giving up a job that meant everything to me in order to do better for my children to be shafted for no apparent reason other than I am, and I quote “hard working, honest, and a good employee, you just don’t fit”. 

 Assistant to the General Manager of Passenger Operations – Tourist Railroad
Responsibilities include, but not limited to, working my ass off for 12+ hours a day, more during special events and holiday’s. Catching shit on a daily basis for things that you cannot control, putting out fires (figuratively), soothing frazzled nerves, appeasing the spastic and juggling 40 things at once. One of the best jobs I have ever had.

2000 – 2003 Princess – Natural Health Store
In addition to maintaining a private practice, also was the manager and princess of their retail facility. I also developed their website and was also involved with teaching numerous classes on Natural Health, Aromatherapy, Herbs, Hypnotherapy and Reiki. I was only the princess by default, since we called the owner the Queen.

1998 – 2003 A bunch of natural health stuff that apparently no one cares about anymore.

COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT:

2000 – 2000 Contributing Columnist to various local publications which just means I am opinionated.

EDUCATION

A bunch of natural health degrees that I spent a lot of time and money on and don’t seem to be helping me.

REFERENCES:

Puhleeze!

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “The Resume I’d LOVE to send.

  1. I LOVE IT!!!! I think everybody should send it to ever company that didn’t hire them. p.s. I see the picture now, hehehe…it was probably just me.

  2. I’d hire you in a heartbeat. The pay sucks, but your attitude would fit right in 🙂

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